My new album Funraiser can be found in every online supermarket as well down the back of your couch:
” My new album Funraiser is now available in ALL* online supermarkets! Bandcamp! Spotify! iTunes! Erm… Google Play! And also Kanjian, the Chinese music distributer who pays a 20th of what Spotify pays me, which is at best £0.00361. Kanjian therefore pays me £0.000181 per stream. The population of China is 1.386 billion – so if every woman, man and child listened to one of my songs through Kanjian, I would make £250,000. I think this is very likely and see no reason why I’m not about to make £250,000 from every single living person in China listening to my new album on some flaky music distribution service which broadcasts MP3s in hi-q 22.5Kbps.
Everyone: smash the subscribe button and double smash that dislike button if you hate people who make stuff. Make sure to share, like and comment, do all my PR work me, for free. Like, share, get me to a bovine ratio of 100,000-to-1 and YouTube will post me a chrome plastic trophy which validates 14 hours of constant video work every single day of my life for 24-months which will age my face and hairline by at least 10 years.
Wait, sorry, this is Facebook not YouTube, I get mixed up easily between these Hit Parades for Young Conservatives social media outlets – I meant to say, feel free to share my album news among your ultra-right-ultra-left-ultra-mild coffee-morning Facebook group who talk-the-talk while sitting-the-sit and sipping-the-sip. Please continue to rage against whatever non-existent machine exists in your media-inflamed imagination by affecting absolutely nought within your day-to-day remit of fundamentally nothing.
As usual, the music is the fastest food: the audience does the work for the Big Band – you pick your meal up, you carry it back to a table, you tidy up after yourself, neatly place the trays back, you put your rubbish in the bin, SIR, SELF-SERVICE MEANS NO-SERVICE, PLEASE LOWER YOUR HAND, NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP YOU, TURNING BLUE AND GRIPPING YOUR CHEST WILL FORCE ME TO CALL SECURITY.
Funraiser. Please lower your hand, the President won’t answer any more questions as he’s now convinced he’s answered ALL questions in the Universe.
*Except Mothercare 😞”